What's on J's heart.

Each new baby brings new fears and a road I've yet to travel. When I was expecting Emilia I thought, "What will it be like with 2!?"  It was certainly better than I had imagined. When I had Emilia and found out we were expecting another baby I felt overwhelmed and thought, "What will it be like with 3 and only 17 months apart?" Yet again, it proved to be better than I could have dreamt.  Now, here I am just about to have our 4th and although I'm less nervous than I've ever been, my mind will sometimes wonder what life will be like with this new life. "This little baby," I tell the children, "was handpicked from heaven just for our family." It's miraculous and beautiful to think we are about to meet a new person that will change our family forever.

Trust and Faith have been on my heart so much these last few weeks. Isn't trusting in God's plan the most organic form of our faith? How can I say I trust Him if I try to control areas of my life that only God can control? Whether it be money, spouse, children, situations, etc. Sometimes it's shameful to think of how little trust I have in God's love for me. He knows me. He knows my every need, yet holds back the things that aren't meant for me. He knows my desires and provides what is best for our family. He knows my weaknesses and somehow gets me to confession to fill my heart with grace. He knows the deep love I have for my husband and children, and provides clarity in areas that need so much work. I wonder what my life would've been like if I had total control. No, never mind, I don't want to know...someone would be missing.

This Holy Week, I'm reminded of how much I need to trust Him. He allows me to see my past fears and be thankful for how much He has provided. So much love, laughter, and joy he's given to me.

I was really nervous about Milia and Bubber being so close in age. And look, they are the bestest buds. Had I known I wouldn't have wasted one fiber in my body worrying what life would be like. They still fight, argue, and put their noses in the corner together (different ones, of course), but they also play, sing, and love each other all day.

And life isn't that crazy.  Look, we still take naps on occasion ;)

God knew this all along, didn't he? I won't let my mind wonder to all the what-ifs, chaos, tired nights/days, we are about to embark upon. What good does it do? What's the point? Life is so full of beauty. I'm looking forward to what God has in store for us!

31 weeks and a handful of goldfish down my shirt.

32 weeks