My ramblings on motherhood...

I often look at my children and think that I'm totally undeserving. I say, Why has God given me so much? (this task is too big) and sometimes I say, Why has God given me so much? (these gifts are too beautiful.) Why has he entrusted these little souls to me? The responsibility of being their mother is bigger than any goal I could set for myself. I know I was created to be a wife and mother. To some, they may think it is a weird statement. To me, it is so clear.

I sometimes struggle thinking I deserve my time. Do I? I mean, of course every mom needs some down time, but we often feel entitled to hours a day to workout, run errands, or be alone. It's odd that when I do get those moments it never makes me feel that great. It kind of leaves me feeling like I need more! I am happiest, most content, when I am serving my littles. I tell Michael that this is our path to heaven- to holiness. I lose my patience, say things I regret, get lazy, etc., and I know God is working hard on me. I guess we can never totally live our vocation until we fully surrender our self for the greatest cause of love...in giving of ourselves. I think of my own mom and all the many many sacrifices she made for us children. Only by observance though- she never tells of her and my dad's suffering. Over the years I've seen their sufferings turn to great joy. Through prayer and trust God has always prevailed. I'm learning that love is a verb- it is always sacrificial. She is such a great example of love.


I will not lie. Changing a baby's diaper 10 times a day who won't stay still can be exhausting, saying a thousand times a day "stop whining" can drive you nuts, asking a child to do something over and over again will make your head spin like a monster, sweeping a kitchen floor 444 times a day will make your skin crawl, yet I dig deep some days to have joy in what God has asked of me.

Michael often reminds me that men and women are very different in the way we think. I get tunnel vision and sometimes assume he must be thinking or should be thinking the same way I do. But that's not so. God made women to have this beautiful feminine quality- to give, nurture, kiss boo-boos, and snuggle their babies. It's good that he created men differently. To protect, provide, and look out for his family. Blessed John Paul II told us, "In God's eternal plan, woman is the one in whom the order of love in the created world of persons takes first root." This makes my vocation as a mother so great. Sometimes I'll say, "We will miss this one day." or "I don't want them to grow up so fast." Y'all know Michael, he's far from the Al Bundy's of the world, but those statements make him want to run to the fridge for a beer! hahaha!! It's the fundamental difference between man and woman. I am so glad he created us uniquely different!

Motherhood often pierces our hearts. It asks us to give up all selfishness and self-interest. My vocation as a mother constantly asks me to give not take, to trust not fear, to feed their souls and not be fed by society, to love their father and not want more from him, to be tender and not tough, to be kind and not curt, to be secure and not unreliable, to provide and not hide (on my computer or phone), to be available and not get tired, to discipline with grace and not with fear, to help them in the little things and not get lazy, to see the good and not criticize, to be joyful and not have an attitude of woe is me, to be content and not entitled, to give hope and not despair, to encourage and not confuse, to show compassion and not be aloof, to protect and not neglect, to be humble and not take pride in "look what I can do" or "look how great we are!", to be present and not wish I were somewhere else, to be what God designed me to be and not want anything else. And, sheesh, looking at this list can make me feel like a failure. Just when I think it would be so fulfilling to serve the needy in a 3rd world country, I can just glance at the list above and start there.

To be a mother in today's world is tough stuff. We are inundated with wrong messages about our vocation. Love must be the message to chip away at the walls we've built. We are sanctuaries of love and challenged to bring this to others. We are the instruments of life. Let us never get complacent. Let us never forget this gift.

I recently read this and re-read and re-read:
Cardinal Lopez Trujillo, President of the Pontifical Council for the Family told women, “Mothers, wives, women of the Church, you are the bearers of the civilization of love! The babe in your arms, the little ones who cling to you and gather around you, these are called to be tomorrow's civilization of love. That questioning child, the teenager seeking his or her identity and asking for affirmation, they already stand on the threshold of that civilization. But what will it be, a civilization of life and love or a civilization of death and hatred. It depends on you.” (10th annual conference of Women for Faith & Family, 1994).

My God, what will you make of them one day? Whatever it is, help me bring them to you!